“And he broke down and wept.”
I have become so accustomed to writing first thing in the morning that my thoughts and feelings are likely to slip out on the written page before I can censor them. That happened this morning because I had to write Anne back before I could do anything else. We have been jotting short emails back and forth since Alain died and neither of us has heard anything from Ursula. It doesn’t seem to matter that Anne is actually in France and trying to reach her rather than me texting and emailing from here. So in Anne’s last message she asked about “how we were” and I put off answering. Today she asked if I had gotten her mail. It wasn’t fair to leave her hanging so I had to write her first.
It surprised me how raw my emotions were. Not just sadness but also love and appreciation and kick butt and joy and gratefulness. My heart is still full of all these feelings that I had no intention of noticing and much less intention of sharing.
Makes me think of Peter. He had plans to be the tough guy. And even though his adrenal glands were working overtime as he followed behind Jesus into enemy territory, he was still being brave, right? Until the horrible revelation crowed in his ears – “this is not bravery – this is betrayal.” “And he broke down and wept.”
Judas and Peter and I are all cut from the same fallen cloth. Because of sin we are betrayers… and not private betrayers either – because betrayal is not a secret sin. And when God allows us to see our weakness and frailty we are undone. Unraveled – but unraveled in a good way because while we were trying to “knit one and purl two” we slipped a stitch or two or four. And since we, who claim the name of Jesus, are being transformed into His image, there really can be no loose ends.
So, in mercy and with tender compassion, God undoes what we have built out of ego and bravado and stitches in a little more of Himself. Some days, when my heart is tender, it’s easier to let Him work.